Academics are smarter than the rest of us. Or so they keep telling us. Whether it’s Noam Chomsky railing on the USA as a “failed state” or the late Edward Said—may peace be upon Him—excoriating Israel for its pesky desire to exist, the academic community has a long history of believing that it has far more political wisdom than average Joes.

Never mind, of course, that manifold academics have fallen head-over-heels in love with all kinds of odious totalitarian movements: Communism, fascism, Islamofascisim, &c. They loved Pol Pot even more than they loved pot. Yet the Howard Zinns and “Skip” Gates of the world still think that the world would become a Valhalla if they were in charge.

In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” recall that William F. Buckley Jr.—the king of Larchmont Lockjaw—once quipped that he would rather be ruled by a government made up of the first 2,000 names in the Boston telephone book than by the combined faculties of Harvard and MIT. Or words to that effect.

Well, weÂ’re not so sure. Although we have a hunch that Mr. Buckley is correct, we must admit that no one to our knowledge has ever given an academic cabal full control of an entire country. (Ah, would that Trotsky had made it to power!)

As such, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” propose a trial offer. In order to determine whether academics really do know better than everyone else, we suggest that a cabal of professors take over the government of the USA for a period of two weeks.

If, at the end of this fortnight, peace on earth has occurred and happiness declared by all, we’ll know that the PhDs were correct. If, on the other hand, we all wind up in “reeducation” camps and “diversity” gulags, we’ll know they’re full of garbage.

ItÂ’s an interesting proposition, is it not? And itÂ’ll at least ensure that our tenured radical friends will shut up and read The New York Review of Books in silence.

This leads to the obvious question: WhoÂ’s going to be in control? Well, we came up with a list of the following academic eminences:

Cherished Leader: Cornel West
Vice-Cherished Leader-ess: Judith Butler
Jacques Lacan Esteemed Chair of the Dyadic Mirror Phase: Slavoj Zizek
Karl Marx Department of Peace Through Terrorism: Michael Hardt
Yasir Arafat Memorial Lieutenant of Foreign Affairs: Joseph Massad
Office of Institutional Discrimination and Hating Whitey: Houston Baker
Official Spokesperson: Ward Churchill

We know what you’re thinking, dear reader: It’s a bit of a reactionary list. After all, there aren’t too many women in power; how “un-diverse” is that? Further, we doubt that our academic pals would esteem such a hierarchical arrangement: What’s wrong with a “power collective”? And surely the selfless Stanley Fish is wondering why he isn’t in charge.

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After scanning countless editorial pages in American newspapers, we concluded something vaguely interesting. Are you ready for our big thesis?

We thought so: Those who pen letters to the editor mostly seem to do so for what can only be termed psychological reasons. They donÂ’t aim to convince but for catharsis.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have long since noticed that the letters to the editor section of The New York Times is so replete with rants masquerading as arguments that it serves an emotional purpose more than an intellectual one. In the pages of the Gray Lady, one can see numerous leftists offer the exact same appeals without a shred of evidence. “Bush lied! He’s killing all of our children! Stop him!” That sort of thing.

This, it seems safe to say, wouldn’t alter the opinion of even the dullest dullard. Only those who already concur will appreciate it. And they will appreciate it in the way that one appreciates a good dose of Ritalin—that is to say, in an entirely psychological manner. Such palaver doesn’t change minds, but it feels good.

If the Gray Lady routinely offers useless letters of this ilk, you can imagine that The San Francisco Chronicle will up the ante. After all, the Chronicle is the un-thinking manÂ’s Paper of Record, and San Francisco offers the opportunity to preach to the converted more than most American cities.

As a result, we were not surprised to find a missive in the famed Chronicle that perfectly captures the essence of the letter to the editor as emotional release. It was composed by one Bill Carman, a fellow whose last name undoubtedly causes much embarrassment for him, since heÂ’s surely eschewed automobiles in favor of aiding the environment. His appeal reads as follows:

Editor -- Thanks to The Chronicle for running the excellent editorial holding the Bush administration accountable for the wanton attack on our constitutional rights (Editorial, "Patriots, awaken," Fourth of July). This administration, wrapped in the flag and conservative Christian values, puts us at great risk of losing what we hold most dear, our freedoms.

The conservative right has its own television channel (Fox News), its own manifesto (Bible) and a "blue blood" puppet in the White House doing the bidding of Corporate America and the wealthy classes. At the same time, those in this country with the most to lose have been co-opted into supporting those who threaten their health and welfare. Through the use of red herrings, such as abortion, immigration, terrorism, flag burning and homosexuality, the Bush boys and girls have the religious masses fearing the future.

Make no mistake; these are not nice people with a mandate from God. They want to turn back the clock and run this country as they see fit.

BILL CARMAN

Pleasanton

As we said, itÂ’s a delightful example of the non-argument letter. No one who doesnÂ’t already side with Mr. Carman on everything he discusses will be moved by his rhetoric at all. This is a rant, pure and simple.

But it is an interesting rant. We found this bit particularly interesting:

The conservative right has its own television channel (Fox News), its own manifesto (Bible) and a “blue blood” puppet in the White House….

Now we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are not experts on manifestos, but we think that the Bible isn’t a bad one, as far as manifestos go. In our minds, it beats, say, The Communist Manifesto or, say, Mao’s Little Red Book. But, hey, to each his own.

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Everyone has one of those friends: The guy (or gal) who maintains feverishly ideological opinions on current events without troubling himself (or herself) to keep even moderately informed. Is anyone more enraging? (Other than Tom Cruise, of course.)

A Nader voter who hasn’t even passing familiarity with economics; a self-proclaimed Hezbollah enthusiast who thinks Israel was created by the USA in 1986; a Tom Delay supporter who’s never heard of Jack Abramoff—these are the kinds of chuckleheads who make up the truculently uninformed. For some reason, America seems to be chock-a-block with these critters.

And, to be honest, dear reader, we find them almost as scary as a Muslim with 1,256 cellular telephones and a job at Heathrow. We mean, come on: How unhinged do you have to be to spout radical slogans whilst not even bothering to read a daily paper? After all, if you’re getting all your “news” from “The Colbert Report,” you might as well not vote.

It doesn’t make any sense. If you ask us, the blithely uninformed ought to have moderate opinions—or, failing that, no opinions at all. Yet sometimes, dear reader, this seems not to be the case.

Quite often this leads to rather bizarre and irksome conversations. Your ill-informed Green Party devotee will lean over to you and say, “I just don’t understand why radical Muslims would attack Canada—they never sent any troops to Iraq.”

At this moment, you donÂ’t know whether to ignore this dolt or trouble yourself with formulating a reply. After all, youÂ’d have to discuss the history of pre-Iraq War Islamic terrorism, Afghanistan, the Taliban, Saudi ArabiaÂ’s massive funding for anti-Western propaganda, blah, blah, blah. And then, of course, youÂ’d have to suggest that your pal remove his radical bumper stickers from his car, since heÂ’s officially too stupid to sport such vehicular eyesores.

It simply may not be worth the effort. Especially if you have to use the can. If a non-Muslim Westerner seems more critical of the USA than of Hezbollah, you are highly unlikely to convince him of anything, since heÂ’s clearly demonstrated that his views are a mite insane.

So the next time an acquaintance of yours dons a Che Guevara T-shirt and then demonstrates that he doesnÂ’t know the first thing about him, you may want to take some drastic measures. Like forced sterilization. Hey, at least he wonÂ’t have moronically opinionated kids to bother you.

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Like nearly all Americans, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” know plenty of pals and acquaintances who firmly believe that the United States should not have liberated Iraq, because Arab societies supposedly don’t have the requisite background to live under a democratic form of government. You must know this line of argument: Benighted Arabs simply lack the je ne sais quoi for democracy.

Quite frankly, dear reader, weÂ’ve always found that rationale both vaguely racist and peculiar. The negative view it offers of Arabs should be obvious: These poor barbarians canÂ’t hack a sophisticated form of government. Their history demonstrates that they canÂ’t stomach anything but tyranny.

But it is also a strange argument when coming from the lips of leftists. After all, these are the people who demonize the European Right for hoping to put a halt to Arab immigration in their countries. To our leftist friends, this makes people like the late Pim Fortuyn—the openly homosexual Dutch social liberal—into an insidious extreme rightist.

How can this be? If leftists truly believe that Arabs are incompatible with a democratic form of governance, how can they support Arab immigration to countries that are democracies? And how can they paint the opponents of such immigration as insidious racists?

And it only gets worse: These leftists also support “multiculturalism” and therefore detest the assimilation of foreigners into their new countries’ way of life. If Arabs are incompatible with democracy, as they argue, why wouldn’t you hope that they would assimilate into European or American culture? Do these leftists pine for an Islamic caliphate in their homelands?

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” think all of this makes little sense. But it seems par for the course among our leftist pals, who so often “support” Arabs and Muslims by painting them as semi-human. Ah, how compassionate.

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As the Israel-Hezbollah conflict continues, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have particularly savored the letters to the editor sections of numerous American dailies. During this Middle East crisis, it seems, normally dimwitted epistlers offer even stupider thoughts than is usually the case. This results, dear reader, in missives that are a treasure to behold.

A perfect case in point is a letter found in the August 10 number of The Boston Globe. Penned by a cranially-challenged gal named Eleanor Klauminzer, it is worth quoting in full. It reads:

It seems apparent that in the asymmetrical war going on in Lebanon, knowledge of the enemy is also unbalanced. David Green writes (“Know thy enemy,” Ideas, Aug. 6) that the Hezbollah reader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, strikes fear into Israelis, despite Israel’s overwhelming military superiority, because he appears to know so much about them.

What if the Israelis knew as much about their opponents—not just military knowledge, but a deep understanding of how it feels to be Palestinian or Muslim? What if we in the US did? As Green demonstrates, that knowledge is power. Since military power alone has failed to bring peace, why not give the power of knowledge a try?

For many years, I accepted the Israeli narrative as the one true history of the modern Middle East. But the Palestinians also have their narrative, and, as I have recently become aware, it is just as compelling. The truth of one does not cancel out the truth of the other.

The tragic irony is that both sides, Palestinians no less than Israelis, appear to be pleading for the same thing: their right to exist and prosper in peace and security.

Wow. ItÂ’s a real tour de force of complete idiocy, is it not? In fact, the dimwitted Ms. Klauminzer offers so many errors we hardly know where to begin.

We suppose we ought to start by mentioning that the odious Sheik Nasrallah’s hunch that committing acts of terrorism against Israelis will frighten them doesn’t exactly amount to the deep-seated knowledge Ms. Klauminzer claims for him. Gee: Israelis are frightened of terrorist acts—who would have thunk it?

But notice how this “knowledge” of the Israelis is wholly different from the “knowledge” she hopes Israelis will gather: “What if the Israelis knew as much about their opponents—not just military knowledge, but a deep understanding of how it feels to be Palestinian or Muslim?”

Uh, Ms. Klauminzer: Do you believe that Nasrallah gives a darn about “a deep understanding of how it feels to be Israeli or Jewish”? We suspect not.

As stupid as all this is, there’s even more. Delight in this line, dear reader: “The truth of one does not cancel out the truth of the other.” Ah, so Ms. Klauminzer is a postmodernist, eh? Either that, or she’s a complete twit, and ought to take a philosophy class. Or perhaps look up the word “truth” in her dictionary.

But surely the end is the coup de grace of this exercise in Mongoloid reasoning. After criticizing Israelis for lacking some elusive “knowledge” of Palestinians, she then tells us: “The tragic irony is that both sides, Palestinians no less than Israelis, appear to be pleading for the same thing: their right to exist and prosper in peace and security.”

Dear, oh, dear. Maybe Ms. Klauminzer, instead of brow-beating the Israelis, ought to learn a thing or two about the Palestinians herself. As the Hamas and Hezbollah attacks amply demonstrate, many Palestinians (and, more broadly, many Muslims in the Middle East) do not pine for “peace and security.” On the contrary: They aim for the elimination of Israel and the mass-murder that it will entail.

This is why, of course, the “knowledgeable” Nasrallah offered an unprovoked attack on Israel proper, despite the fact that the Israelis have not occupied any of Lebanon since 2000. And this is why, of course, the “knowledgeable” scamps in Hamas have lobbed missiles into Israel proper ever since the Israeli withdrawal from Gaza. These actions—massively supported by the Palestinian people—are not the acts of those chiefly concerned with “peace and security.”

Boy, you would have thought this was obvious to anyone with a brain. Clearly, the only “tragic irony” here is that the dunderheaded Ms. Klauminzer wrote a ridiculously inept letter chastising the Israelis for their lack of knowledge, when it is she who lacks even rudimentary understanding of the Middle East.

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Many right-leaning “webloggers” have harped and harpied on the recent Reuters “fauxtography” scandal du jour. And rightly so: We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have long considered Reuters disturbingly tilted in its coverage, and we believe that the exposure of their photographic fraud is deeply important.

In fact, we’re delighted that savvy Internet sleuths have taken it upon themselves to find even more examples of fraud—in The New York Times, US News & World Report, and elsewhere. The more damning evidence they dig up, the more the silence of the left-wing “weblogosphere” seems ridiculous. Aiding and abetting the destroyers of civilization keep on getting more nettlesome.

Even so, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” pined to offer our own two cents on the matter. Yet, quite frankly, we don’t have our own examples of mainstream media malfeasance, which would ensure all kinds of “hits” and “links.” Further, we’re not exactly quick to respond to this whole brouhaha: Most “webloggers” have been writing about the matter for umpteen days now.

Nevertheless, what we sacrifice in diligence and timeliness we more than make up for with peculiarity. For, instead of offering yet another jeremiad against the dreaded MSM, weÂ’ve decided to present a very different take. ThatÂ’s the kind of thing you like about us, we surmise.

As far as weÂ’re concerned, the whole Reuters and Assorted Mainstream Mediagate Fiasco (as weÂ’ve taken to call it) has yet to inspire any comment on a particularly pressing issue. That is, until now.

Everyone is likely familiar with the old cliché “a picture is worth a thousand words.” It’s a strange phrase, to be sure, since it is difficult to compute the calculus by which the number one thousand was happened upon. But, hey: “That’s the way the cookie crumbles” isn’t exactly a brilliant bromide either, even though it’s a tasty one.

But, with there now being such a hullabaloo regarding the news media’s photographs of the Israel-Hezbollah conflict, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” firmly believe that the “a picture is worth a thousand words” should be officially downgraded. That is to say, from now on, we would appreciate it if you would eschew this phrase in favor of one of the following:

1) A picture is worth five words, and those five words are “Reuters is full of garbage.”
2) A Photoshopped picture is worth a thousand words on Little Green Footballs.
3) A picture is still worth a thousand words, provided it doesnÂ’t come from the Middle East and pertain to Israel.
4) CAIR is an organization of Islamic fascists who support terrorism.

Now, we know what youÂ’re going to say: That fourth statement isnÂ’t even related to the whole Reuters brouhaha. To which we respond: Yeah, youÂ’re right, but you can never say it enough.

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As regular readers of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” well know, we have just returned from a resplendent week-long vacation. In our absence, the delicious Maximum Leader warmed the cockles of your hearts with his merry animadversions.

But now, dear reader, weÂ’re back, and we, like Charlie Sheen, are in full swing. We donÂ’t want to drop too many journalistic buzzwords on you, but we are, as they say, ready to write.

In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” figured that we’d use today’s humble “post” to play a bit of catch-up—the favorite game of John Kerry’s spouse. (Geddit?) That is to say, we’d mention some of the stories that we’ve missed in the past week as the result of our smashing vacation.
We figured that this would be a great service to you all, since many of our readers likely peruse “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” as their only news source. And God loves you for it.

So, in an effort to aid our undying (and moribund) fans, we offer the following list of “While We Were Out Catch-Up Tidbits”:

An Official List of “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” “While We Were Out Catch-Up Tidbits”:

1) It appears that Mel Gibson is something of an inebriated anti-Semite. Frankly, we never would have seen that one coming. After all, what film he produced would ever suggest that he loathes Jews with such a passion? Yeah: WeÂ’re stumped too.

2) Reuters “news” service offers faked photographs designed to aid Hezbollah and Hamas against civilization. That’s another surprise, isn’t it? We never would have guessed that this mindlessly anti-Western outfit would do such a thing. Go figure.

3) Hezbollah apologists and Israel-haters worldwide are interchangeably cheering on anti-American, anti-Israel terrorism and whining about the Western response to these malefactions. Ah, craven propagandists for evil—we really missed that on our vacation.

4) Now that witless squillionaire Ned Lamont has won the Connecticut Democratic senatorial primary, the Iraq War will end within two days. Thanks for your help, Democrats of Connecticut!

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If there’s anything that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are, it’s helpful lads and lasses. In fact, the reason we began “weblogging” in the first place was to aid our fellow man. Well, that and to prove that blood-for-oil was actually a very reasonable transaction, depending on the owner of the blood in question.

Perhaps, dear reader, our innumerable rants have somewhat sullied our original goals on Al GoreÂ’s World-Wide Web. Instead of helping all and sundry, perhaps weÂ’ve become more of a bunch of complacent whiners. Yeah, maybe.

Until, that is to say, today. For, in this humble installment of our humble “weblog,” we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aim to give something back to the community. Forget our quotidian bitching; today we’re dedicated to offering aid and relief in this, your potential time of need.

It is in this spirit, dear reader, that we proudly announce our first idea for a self-help book. And, unlike the umpteen self-help tomes that sit upon the dusty shelves of the local Barnes & Ignoble, our magnum opus will actually present honest-to-goodness succor.

YouÂ’re intrigued, arenÂ’t you? We knew that you probably wouldnÂ’t be. Even so, weÂ’ll continue.

The working title for the monograph is DonÂ’t Forget to Sweat the Small Stuff: Your Guide to Making Life More Interesting by Becoming Pettier. Admittedly, itÂ’s a bit wordy, but at least it ainÂ’t The Devil Wears Prada.

Further, the title clues you in to the essence of the work itself. In short, we realize that darn near every human being has a dreadfully dull life. Sure, Kate Moss doesnÂ’t, but youÂ’re far heavier than Kate Moss, and we can tell that without even looking at you. Also, you undoubtedly survive on more than rice cakes and cocaine.

Accordingly, dear reader, youÂ’re bored. Our dreary middle-class culture has taken all the excitement out of life: No longer will you impress your tribe by taking part in a time-honored hunt for wooly mammoths. Unless, of course, youÂ’re Ted Nugent.

Our book, then, aims to make life more interesting, by compelling you to become a far pettier individual than you were in the first place. Pretty soon, youÂ’re life will be chock-a-block with all sorts of exquisite diversions.

Did the lady in the next cubicle fail to return your stapler? That bitch! Where does that mono-browed wench get the nerve? You ought to put Ex-Lax in her coffee.

Did some dipstick cut in front of you with his Ford Mustang? That no good punk. Let’s see how “cool” he feels when you start shooting at his car. How do you like ‘dem apples, you slack-jawed townie?

Admittedly, dear reader, our book does not exactly offer the most magnanimous path to leading an interesting life. But letÂ’s face it: You werenÂ’t likely to go that route anyway.

With our tome in hand, youÂ’re only a few steps away to beating the mailman senseless, playing nasty pranks on your boss, and recounting stories from your deliciously fun life to your current cell-mates.

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Many readers of this humble “weblog” are undoubtedly wondering about our Official Crack Young Staff Vacation, which we recently enjoyed. (During which time, of course, you were delighted by the e-fireworks of the great Maximum Leader.) As you might imagine, dear reader, we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, taking in all kinds of barbeque, condiments, and defibrillators.

Even so, during our trips to the local campgrounds, we did notice something that slightly sullied our otherwise delicious week off. Pardon us if we are wrong, but it appears to us as if numerous drivers in these here United States are horrible. For a variety of reasons, sundry operators of motor vehicles figuratively (if not literally) bite the big one.

In short, they suck. In long, they clearly demonstrate an appallingly low aptitude in the area of motor vehicle operation.

As bad as many drivers may be, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” actually noted that a particular sliver of them is actually worse than usual. In fact, these fellows and gentle ladies are so wretched that we’re inclined to go to great lengths to avoid them on the road.

And to whom, you may be asking yourself, do we refer? The drivers of BMWs. If you ask us—and, technically speaking, you did not—the BMW is a sure sign of evil. Just as the Trans-Am is a sure sign of white trash.

Now, although our conclusions about the BMW may occasion consternation among German automobile devotees who esteem “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” we must say that we don’t find them very odd. After all, the folks at BMW previously did their best to aid the Nazi war effort. Let’s just say it’s not a surprise that it’s the vehicle of choice for numerous pinheads.

Naturally, we have only anecdotal evidence to support our contention. But we think we have oodles of it.

On our trips, we found that, darn near every time a driver made an aggressive, dimwitted move at the wheel, the driver of that vehicle was likely behind the wheels of a BMW. Almost without fail, the BMW was the car of the jerk.

Of course, the American driver is likely to encounter plenty of non-BMW jerks in the course of his travels. Some may even drive Jaguars or Fiats. Plenty of Jaguars, weÂ’d wager.

But BMWers are the worst. Hands down. If we were highway cops—and we’re not officially—we’d pull people over merely for operating a BMW. After all, BMW drivers are clearly up to no good: How do you think they got the cash to afford a BMW in the first place?

(Note: The crack young staff does not wish to offend drivers of BMWs. If you actually own a BMW, suffice it to say that you are the lone exception to the rule that BMW drivers are a sorry lot of aggressive dipsticks.)

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As you are undoubtedly aware, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been off sunning and funning on our glorious week of vacation. In a “post” to come, we’ll inform you of our vacationary comings and goings. But today, dear reader, we have a more urgent task.

Regular readers of this humble “weblog” most assuredly recognize that “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” much like The Drudge Report, did not close up shop as the result of a vacation. Both THMQ and Drudge are far too popular for any kind of e-hibernation.

Rather, we opened our little space on Al Gore’s World-Wide Web to the (in)famous proprietor of Naked Villainy, the Maximum Leader. We had chosen the Maximum Leader as a guest “weblogger” last year, and all went smashing. Thus we beckoned his bejeweled, floppy hat back our way again.

And, dear reader, we’re in awe. If you’ve yet to take a gander at last week’s “posts” on this humble “weblog,” we feverishly exhort you to do so now. We don’t think we are overdoing it too much to declare that the Maximum Leader has offered up nothing but pure, unadulterated e-genius. In fact, his writing is so good, we’re wont to label it E-Genius.

To be honest, dear reader, this has put a bit of the fear of God in us. After a week of vacation, we come to find that our “weblog” is more popular than when we left, and chock-a-block with inspired commentary and yuks. The Maximum Leader has even tossed in the word “sundry” a few times. Clearly, this is the work of a brilliant mind. How can we keep up?

Now, our discussion of the Maximum Leader’s Internet prowess calls to mind a Joe Theisman quote. The troglodytic quarterback once said something like: “Don’t call football players geniuses. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Yes, the peckings of a “weblogger” aren’t exactly the stuff of Nobel Prizes (yet?). So we suppose we ought to temper our praises a bit. But we simply can’t do so: The Maximum Leader is an e-genius, pure and simple. And, need we remind you, he’s an Official Honorary Member of the Crack Young Staff. How do you like ‘dem apples?

If you arenÂ’t reading his delicious musings every day on Naked Villainy, please do so. We have kept up with his wit and wisdom for ages, and weÂ’ve enjoyed every blessed minute of it. Oh, and buy a Naked Villainy thong if you have a little bit of extra cash.

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Greetings, loyal readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. It is, one last time this week, your Maximum Leader on the final day of his gig as guest weblogger. On Monday, The Crack Young Staff will return. Your Maximum Leader is sure that they will be rested, tanned, and ready to regale us all with humorous animadversions and observations on current events and such.

Your Maximum Leader doffs his bejeweled floppy cap in the direction of the whole Staff in thanks for entrusting him with the proverbial keys to their kingdom. He hopes that his posts satisfied all of you out there lurking in the ether of Albert Gore's Internet. Perhaps he'll be back next year...

For this final guest post, your Maximum Leader is throwing his hands up in disgust. Disgust at his fellow countrymen. Over the course of our long and illustrious national history Americans have been first at so many things. We were the first truly democratic republic in the world. We were the greatest industrial power in the world for generations. We were first with The Bomb. We were first on the moon. And we were first among all the nations in the world in terms of vice.

You name the vice, and Americans were best at it. Drinking - gotcha covered. Overeating - don't get between us and a $7.99 all-you-can-eat buffet. Gambling - well hell we have Las Vegas... What more need be said?

Well... It looks like we've got some competition in the vice department. Your Maximum Leader is sure that all the readers of this space have heard about how jobs are going overseas. Cheap labor. High quality means of production. Slave labor. Jobs are being outsourced all over. Now it seems, just like all the high tech jobs, textile jobs, and manufacturing jobs, the gaming industry is being outsourced to China.

According to the AP news wire services, some outfit called Globalysis has determined that the Chinese city of Macau will overtake Las Vegas NEXT YEAR in terms of gambling revenue. Next year? This is not to say that Las Vegas will collapse immediately and fall into the dust of the desert. But they will not be number one any more.

It seems like just a few years ago that Macau was just a sleepy Portuguese colony which had existed for 100 years as a shadowy step sister of Hong Kong. Now all of a sudden it is Asia's high rollers retreat. It is the Kung-Pao City of Sin. Lucky for us catchy phrases like "What happens in Macau stays in Macau" just isn't as catchy as "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

One must stop to wonder what those crafty Chinese Communists are thinking. How exactly can their workers paradise be host to the world's largest gaming destination? How exactly does the vanguard of the proletariat happen to come by the capital needed to waste away $500-a-hand at Twenty-one? Other than gambling are there other vices in Macau? Topless revues? $7.99-all-you-can-eat-lobster and steak buffets? Shopping at swanky boutiques? The mind boggles at the possibilities.

What exactly are the casinos like in Macau? We know that in Vegas you can gamble in casinos with various themes. You can gamble like a Roman Emperor, or an Egyptian Pharaoh. You can imagine you are in New York, Paris, Venice, or even Camelot. What are the themed casinos in Macau like? Is there an Opium Den casino? A Great Wall betting parlour? An era of colonial domination casino? A Cultural Revolution gaming palace? The possibilities are endless.

Your Maximum Leader is saddened by Vegas being eclipsed by Macau. One wonders if in a few years there will be anything left to be proud of in America.

Thank you for your kind attention.

Carry on.

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Greetings, loyal readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader sitting in the HMQ war room in front of "the big board." The one just like the one in Dr. Strangelove. As cool as these digs are one would wonder why the Crack Young Staff would ever want to take a day off - much less take off a whole week. What is the draw of the beach over a big board?

Frequent readers of your Maximum Leader's regular web site, Naked Villainy, know that he has an affinity towards the pig. After the dog the pig is God's most perfect domesticated animal. Your Maximum Leader has said it before and he'll say it again, pigs are great. This is because the pig is just so useful. They eat anything. They are smart. They can be made into bacon, sausage, ham, pork chops, pork ribs, pork roast, pickled pigs feet, sweetbreads, leather, and candles. The pig is just the most handy thing around.

Your Maximum Leader loves, as you can no doubt tell, his pork. So imagine his dismay when he read today on the news wires that "processed meats" like "bacon, sausage, and smoked ham" can increase one's chances of contracting stomach cancer. It appears as though some crazy Swedes say that a daily increase of 1 ounce of processed meats in one's diet can increase chances of contracting stomach cancer between 15 and 38 percent.

These Swedes claim their study results are "unequivocal."

Hah! Pshaw! Nonsense! First off... What is the regular daily portion we're talking about here? 1 ounce? 6 ounces? 1 pound? Who is rating this? The USDA? Are we using the old recommended daily allowance? The new food pyramid? Are these processed meats processed in Sweden? Or are they processed in the US? How do we know that the Swedes have the same type of digestive tract as Americans? Is socialized medicine responsible?

Ah! Now your Maximum Leader is on to something... Socialized medicine must be to blame. Since everyone shares the cost of health care in Sweden there must be some sort of social imperative to keep people from eating anything that might vaguely be fun or tasty. We all know fun and tasty foods can't be good for you. And if you are paying for Olaf down the street's health care you want to avoid that triple bypass or stomach cancer treatment...

It must be a conspiracy. A damnable socialist conspiracy.

Your Maximum Leader thinks he's going to have to fund a study on how processed meats improve the quality of life for non-Swedes...

Carry on.

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Greetings, readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader here in the fashionably appointed offices of the Crack Young Staff. This is day three of your Maximum Leader's week-long stint in the best guest blogger job in the whole length and breadth of Al Gore's Internets. He hopes that the Crack Young Staff has been wearing sunscreen, and keeping the windows cracked open on their Honda Civics. (It's been hot.)

No doubt by now you've heard of the worsening health of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Apparently the murderous Communist oppressor has been suffering from a bout of gastrointestinal bleeding. Bleeding so severe that Fidel had to give up de jure (if not de facto) power in Cuba to his brother Raul so that he might undergo corrective surgery.

Far be it for your Maximum Leader to wish ill upon anyone. But he'll make exceptions for a few people in the world. Fidel Castro is among those he'll wish ill upon. One has to wonder if the gastrointestinal bleeding might be a result of severe ulcers; the cause of which might be years of guilt over the suffering he's caused his people. Then again... They might not be.

In light of Fidel Castro's condition, your Maximum Leader will preview death statements prepared for the day when Castro slips from this mortal coil:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez - "The people of Cuba have lost a great leader. I have lost a great friend. The United States has lost an implacable enemy. The world has lost a remarkably snappy dresser."

Anti-war activist and suck-up to South American dictators Cindy Sheehan - "Fidel Castro was my lover. He was a tender lover. He said that one day he would leave Cuba and join me in Texas so we could continue my protests against the most evil man in the world, George W. Bush. I miss him so much..."

Former American President James Earl Carter - "I've not always seen eye-to-eye with President Castro. While I was President I had to uphold the US embargo of Cuba, even though I saw the suffering it caused the Cuban people. I was a little put out when Fidel emptied his prisons and sent all those people to Miami, but I understood that he was only reacting to an overbearing and unjust foreign policy maintained by the United States. By the way... Have you seen my Nobel Peace Prize?"

Actor and Friend of Cuba, Danny Glover - "I am deeply saddened by the loss of Fidel Castro. Castro was a friend to me, and many of my enlightened Hollywood friends. Fidel, and he was Fidel to me, frequently had me and Harry Belafonte down to his palace outside Havana. We'd go on all weekend drinking binges to celebrate universal health care and universal pre-school for all Cubans. Good times... Yes... Good times... I'll miss Fidel greatly."

Singer and Activist, Harry Belefonte - "The loss of Fidel Castro is a loss for the oppressed people of the world. Cuba is a model for the world. I wish that the United States was more like Cuba. There is no racism in Cuba, everyone is free and equal. The people of Cuba have Fidel Castro to thank for that."

New Cuban President, Raul Castro - "What the hell? Fidel is dead? Holy crap! I've gotta get the heck outta here! Sweet Jeebus! Where did Fidel put that bank account info? Damn! Where is Hugo's cell phone number? Venezulea, that's the ticket! Damn! Is my jet fueled? I've gotta get outta here before anyone here figures out what's happened. Why did Fidel have to go first? Why oh why? I'm screwed! Royally screwed! My life sucks! Curse you Fidel! Why did you leave me like this? Some brother you were Fidel... Mama told me you were going to leave me like this... Gotta get outta here..."

There you have it dear readers, a preview of what your Maximum Leader thinks you'll see any day now.

Carry on.

Posted by: Maximum Leader at 12:51 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Greetings, readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader here at the anchor desk while the Crack Young Staff continues to lounge by the pool, sip drinks out of glasses with tiny umbrellas, and polish of Harlequin romance novels at the rate of two a day.

Surely by this time, dear reader, you've heard that one big-time Hollywood star has had a little bit of a run-in with "Johnny Law." And by "Johnny Law" your Maximum Leader really means the Los Angeles SherriffÂ’s Department, the Anti-Defamation League, the Simon Wiesenthal Center, and Nora Ephron. Yes, Hollywood star and self-proclaimed "owner" of Malibu, Mel Gibson was arrested last Friday night for driving his Lexus LS430 a good 42 mph over the posted speed limit.

Oh yes... Did we mention that Gibson was also battling his personal demons? It seems GibsonÂ’s demons dwell in a bottle labeled Chivas Regal.

Anyhoo...

In light of the goings-on concerning Mr. Gibson, your Maximum Leader presents for you a fanÂ’s abridged guide to the films of Mel Gibson.

Mad Max – In a post-apocalyptic world run by Jews, roving bands of motorized criminals terrorize the innocent. Max, a gentile highway patrolman before the apocalypse, sees his family killed by criminals and vows to get his revenge; and stop the Jews from ruining the already ruined world.

The Road Warrior – Gibson reprises his role of gentile-turned free-lance kicker of arse, Max. Max faces off against a marauding horde of circumcised dune-buggy driving criminals. Max attacks the marauding horde which gives a group of gentiles time to escape from their Jew-threatened compound.

Lethal Weapon – The original cop buddy movie. Gibson plays the slightly insane Detective Riggs who must break up an international drug smuggling ring. Riggs partners with African-American Detective Murtaugh to defeat the drug cartel which is beholden to the international conspiracy of illuminati and jews.

The Patriot – Gibson plays a reluctant American revolutionary who must fight to drive the jew-loving English out of the New World. The American revolutionaries fight to create a new nation, conceived in liberty; and free of the jewish yoke.

Braveheart – Gibson plays William Wallace, the gentile leader of the Scots in their crusade against the jew-loving English. The Scots fight to free their nation from the jewish yoke.

Your Maximum Leader hopes that this brief guide to the films of Mel Gibson helps you on your next trip to the video store.

Carry on.

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Greetings, loyal readers of The Hatemonger’s Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader of Naked Villainy starting day one of his week-long stint as guest “weblogger.” Why it seems like only yesterday that your Maximum Leader was guesting at the HMQ while the Crack Young Staff was moving into their new, and well-appointed, corporate offices. In a way, your Maximum Leader is beginning to feel like David Letterman to the Crack Young Staff’s Johnny Carson. (Or would your Maximum Leader be Joan Rivers in that equation? Humm…)

But your Maximum Leader digressesÂ…

The other day, while driving around in the Villainmobile, your Maximum Leader chanced to observe some thought provoking bumper stickers on various and sundry cars sharing the road with your Maximum Leader. He thought he would share his thoughts about them with you, the readers of The HatemongerÂ’s Quarterly.

The first observation is this, drivers from Maryland with bumper stickers on their car that read “Jesus said ‘Love your enemies.’ I don’t think that he meant to kill them” are neither good nor polite drivers. Okay… Perhaps this is a bit of hyperbole and your Maximum Leader using potentially faulty inductive reasoning to cast aspersions on all drivers from Maryland with insipid bumper stickers on their cars. On the other hand, if he were to conduct a scientific study of the phenomenon he believes his initial reasoning would stand.

Maryland drivers with insipid stickers on their cars, according to your Maximum LeaderÂ’s observations, tend to swerve erratically within their lane as well as change lanes suddenly and without signaling. They also seem to like to cut you off as you are getting into a left turn lane. They seem to completely disregard the fact that you are driving a 5000lb, V-8 powered, 4-door, 410 horsepower, leather interiored uber-sedan; and they are driving a 14 years old 2000lb, 2 cylinder, 80 horsepower hatchback with a faded cloth interior.

But your Maximum Leader digressesÂ…

You see, your Maximum Leader, while peeved by the behavior of said Maryland driver, was sure that in the end the Maryland driver would be weeded out of the human gene pool by some process of natural selection.

Why you ask?

Well… It is the bumper sticker that is the “tell” in this hand of cards so to speak. Jesus might have admonished his followers to love their enemies and turn the other cheek, but sensible Christians have for centuries understood that the Lord was not above pulling out the whip and driving the ne’er-do-wells from the Temple when the occasion required it. In our modern world strict and literal adherence to a faulty interpretation of scripture tends to lead people to a bad end.

Your Maximum Leader wonders how this Maryland driver would react to their home being katushka rocketed by their fundamentalist neighbors in Delaware. He suspects that the Maryland driver would turn the other cheek and fervently hope that their house was katushka-proof. In the end, your Maximum Leader doubts that the Maryland driver would last long against the fundamentalist Delawareans.

In any case, your Maximum Leader would prefer to stay close to the SUV-driving mom with the NRA Life Member window decal, the Marine Corps license plate, and the bumper sticker which read “Note to self: Pillage THEN Burn.” She’s a survivor.

Carry on.

Posted by: Maximum Leader at 06:56 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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For over two years, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been providing you with oodles of yuks and tons of insight. If you have been tuning in to this “weblog” with regularity, undoubtedly our uproarious animadversions have compelled you to change your life. Or, barring that, your underwear. (Unless you’re French, of course.)

It is without much in the way of self-loathing, then, that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly declare that the week of Monday, July 31 to Friday, August 4 is our Official Vacation Week. Yes, on those days, we’ll be collectively heading to the beach in our fleet of Honda Civics for days replete with sun, fun, and frivolity. Just think: A staff of well over 250 people will party like it’s 1998. It’ll be just like Woodstock, only without the music, druggery, or fornication.

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: What am I going to do without the crack young staff? Sure, they can work on their tans whilst sipping spritzers to their hearts’ content—but what about me?

Naturally, we figured that it would prove very difficult for our regular reader(s) to go an entire week without our cheerful musings. Resorting to Sudoku or other forms of Asian torture just isnÂ’t liable to cut it.

As a result, we wanted to soothe our savage readers into surviving a whole workweek without us. And we think we have just the thing: For July 31 to August 4, we have recruited the talents of one of the Internet’s prime “webloggers.”

No, not Glenn Reynolds. That ne’er-do-well wouldn’t know “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” if it hit him on the head all night. Believe us: We’ve tried to spread the word to him. It’s been about as successful as Howard the Duck. And who the heck wants one-word “posts” like “Heh” on their “weblogs”? Not us, not us.

Rather, we refer to that storied e-eminence the Maximum Leader, proprietor of Naked Villainy. The Maximum Leader, for those of you who are foolish enough not to take in his “posts” regularly, possesses a twofold genius: He runs a dynamite “weblog” and he sports a stunning bejeweled floppy hat.

Devotees of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” may recall that the Maximum Leader was kind enough to serve as our guest “weblogger” last year, during the move to our Official New Headquarters. He was so deliciously good, in fact, that—partly as the result of fan pressure—we named him an Official Honorary Member of the Crack Young Staff.

Yeah, dear reader, he’s that good. Why, just take in this lovely “post,” which the Maximum Leader contributed to last year’s festivities.

Ah, yes: You are going to enjoy our vacation, aren’t you? If you like it enough, you—like many of us—can purchase Naked Villainy thongs. Is there a better way to demonstrate your appreciation?

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As all of earth (and portions of Mercury) must know, violence has erupted in the Middle East, as Israel tries to ward off the provocations of Hezbollah, the charming ShiÂ’ite terrorist group. It seems to us, dear reader, as if this recent conflict has well nigh eclipsed any and all other news stories worldwide.

Now, donÂ’t get us wrong: The Israeli struggle to demolish the capabilities of this delightful Iran-backed terrorist outfit is most assuredly an important conflict. It is so important, in fact, that our friends on the radical Left have yet again joined sides with the Islamic fascists against civilization. Apparently radical lefties love anti-Israeli terrorism about as much as they savor Sharia law and abortion on demand. We wonder how that interesting congeries of desires will work out for them.

Even though the situation in Israel is of crucial import, we canÂ’t help but notice that numerous other stories appear to be getting short shrift at this time. Last we heard, illegal immigration was something of a concern, as was the liberation of Iraq. ArenÂ’t some folks dying there? WeÂ’ll have to peruse Bob HerbertÂ’s 45,692 vitriolic rants about that.

These trifles used to matter to us. Not any more, we guess. Rather, the country must take in the Israeli-Hezbollah conflict alone, as if we have nothing better to do than enjoy a useful idiot of a journalist get a special guided tour from some lovely Hezbollah toadies in Beirut. Come on, CNN: How gullible do you have to be?

For crying out loud: The Israelis could bomb a missile factory, and Hezbollah would claim itÂ’s a high school. (To be honest, though, given HezbollahÂ’s propensity for suicide bombing and its anti-Semitic propaganda for children, perhaps they see little distinction between a missile factory and a high school.)

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have the faint impression that Martians could take over the planet, force the world’s human population to become their slaves, and this would receive second-page treatment. Or third-page, if George Bush recently made some sort of linguistic gaffe. After all, how does the enslavement of us all rate against the situation in Israel? Not very well, we’d wager.

So, for the near future, dear reader, we suppose you’ll have to get used to wall-to-wall coverage from Lebanon, as everyone but Katie Couric travels to that land to offer their two cents. Meanwhile, you’ll be forced to endure umpteen op-eds by anti-Israel terror-apologists, who demonstrate their bias by incessantly referring to Israel as “Palestine.” And they’ll use the word “occupation” slightly more than they employ the word “the.”

Further, youÂ’ll have to listen to a cavalcade of Congressional Democrats carp about President BushÂ’s reaction to the situation, without offering any ideas as to how to resolve the conflict. Other than to suggest, of course, that Israel cease its operations and allow Hezbollah time to rearm.

If you enjoy the antics of our countryÂ’s professional losing party and the outrageous arguments of pro-terrorist lefties, youÂ’re in for a delightful few weeks.

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As we’ve mentioned a couple of times, dear reader, we have greatly enjoyed perusing The New York Times as the crisis in Israel unfolds. Not, we dare say, because of the Gray Lady’s coverage, with its implicit moral equating of Israel and Hezbollah. No: The whole tired “cycle of violence” shtick doesn’t do much for us.

Rather, we mean because some of the Times most truculently anti-Bush op-eders have been bizarrely silent about the matter, even though it is surely the most pressing story of the day. ItÂ’s strange, but itÂ’s true.

Now, perhaps such Times geniuses as Maureen Dowd recognize that they havenÂ’t the requisite knowledge to opine on Israel and its terrorist enemies. But this doesnÂ’t make much sense: After all, Maureen Dowd doesnÂ’t have the requisite knowledge to opine on anything, and yet, as far as we can determine, she opines two times weekly for the Paper of Record. Again, itÂ’s strange but itÂ’s true.

Surely, then, the problem lies elsewhere. And, as we’ve suggested in earlier “posts,” we think we know just where. These regular leftist op-eders simply can’t figure out a way to blame Bush for the whole fiasco. As a result, they’re completely stymied. Having penned umpteen attacks on President Bush, they don’t know how to do anything else.

Of course, they could simply take the “Bush Is Doing Nothing” route, which is the favored editorial line at the Gray Lady. Still, there’s a problem or two: First, it isn’t true, and second, it isn’t sufficiently juicy.

We mean, come on: The Democratic Party has done nothing (save complain) since the War on Terror began. If youÂ’re going to blame Bush for inaction, you arenÂ’t going to make your own political heroes look that great. In fact, Joe Biden enjoys doing nothing in between his long bouts of pontificating.

Nice lads and lasses that we are, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have decided to come to the rescue. That is to say, we’ve devised a list of ways to blame President Bush for the current Israel-Hezbollah fracas. No longer will Maureen Dowd have to pen columns about being a menopausal coquette. (Although we’re sure she still will.)

The Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Blame-Bush-for-the-Israeal-Hezbollah-Conflict List

1) According to Michael Moore, Bush Sr. and Bush Jr., thanks to their oil ties, used to be card-carrying members of Hezbollah. Accordingly, as with every conflict in world history, this one is all about oil. And all about religion—the Christian religion, of course.

2) Via a little-known technique referred to as the Right-Wing Mind Grip, President Bush compelled Hezbollah to kidnap a few Israeli soldiers and launch missile attacks. We always knew that bastard was a warmonger, but we didnÂ’t realize he savored combat this much. He must have had help from William Kristol.

3) Only since George W. Bush’s presidency have various Arab groups become militantly anti-Western and anti-Israeli. Clearly, his so-called “War on Terror” is failing, as even the preternaturally placid Arabs seem angry with the West.

4) LebanonÂ’s prime minister IS Dick Cheney.

Posted by: Chip at 12:01 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Longtime reader(s) of this humble “weblog” most assuredly know that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” thoroughly enjoy discussing all and sundry. In fact, our unofficial Internet slogan is “Bring It On.”

Thus, in marked contrast to, say, a “website” entirely devoted to monkeys, “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” finds no topic either too small or too grand to warrant our avoidance. In short, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are jacks-of-all-trades, masters of golf.

Recently, however, the careful reader may have noted that weÂ’ve become distressingly mono-focused. You might even say weÂ’re myopic. Yeah: You probably wouldnÂ’t, but you might.

Ever since those horrid Israelis had the temerity to defend themselves from terrorist attacks, weÂ’ve devoted most of our energies to this particular matter. This is, interestingly, not the case with the lefties at The New York Times op-ed page; apparently Maureen Dowd hasnÂ’t come up with a cute lilÂ’ nickname for Ehud Olmert a la Rummy and Bushy. Our loss, eh?

To be downright honest, dear reader, we really donÂ’t want to send so much time offering our views on the terrorists of Hezbollah and Hamas. WeÂ’d much prefer to wax judgmental about the horrors of, say, Enya, or, say, Whole Foods. After all, a little variety adds spice to life. Or something.

But we simply can’t help ourselves. The left-wing position on the current Israel-Hezbollah brouhaha is so outrageously stupid that it positively begs for comment. We mean, come on: A bunch of atheistic, abortion-crazy, feminist libertines warmly embracing militant Islamic fascists who aim to oppress everyone with Sharia law—does it get any crazier than this? If you ask us, not much.

Of course, as civilized people, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hope that the Israelis defeat their terrorist enemies, and ensure that they will remain safe and sound. In addition, we also hope, dear reader, that some other things will pop up in the news, and thus we’ll have a few more things to discuss.

You know: CanÂ’t some stripper lie about being raped by a gaggle of lacrosse players? That would make for some compelling television and much liberal hand-wringing. Nothing beats listening to a room full of academics discuss such things: The ultra-moronic Houston Baker is worth the price of admission alone.

Posted by: Chip at 12:01 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Many moons ago, as our ancestors used to say, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” discussed an English word that really bothers us: Moist. Although we understood that this made for a comparatively nugatory subject of excoriation, we found “moist” suitably irritating to deserve the full “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” treatment. If we may get technical here, we must relate that we officially find the word “moist” yucky.

It has been some time, however, since we’ve taken aim at a common item in the dictionary. Until, that is to say, now. In today’s humble “post,” we wax indignant about another troubling—nay, disturbing—locution: Belly.

What, you may or may not be asking yourself, so irks us about the word “belly”? Isn’t it a fairly harmless term in comparison with, say, “genocide,” “oleaginous,” and “Peter Cetera”?

Well, to be frank, dear reader, no. In our collective mind, “belly” is one of the most unappealing words to be found in the entire Funk & Wagnalls. Unabridged. It’s a horrendous term, and we’d like people to cease using it.

“Look at my fat belly”—does English get any more repellent than this? We think not. In fact, it’s so ugly you’d think you were speaking German. The very word “belly” immediately conjures up pictures of grossly obese women in jog bras. Either that or Roseanne Barr. And neither makes for fetching mental images.

In fact, pretty much the entire vocabulary associated with the midriff profoundly disturbs us. (Other than “midriff,” actually, which for some reason strikes us as peculiarly inoffensive.)

For instance, there’s “navel,” the most excruciating synonym imaginable for the excruciating term “belly-button.” “Navel gazing”—what could be more sick? Perhaps “belly-button lint,” but that’s about all.

And then there’s “paunch,” which magically conjures those same morbidly obese women in jog bras. That and the old television staple “Chips.” Even the comparatively un-troubling “abdomen” calls to mind a nasty swarm of ants.

So, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly implore you to refrain from discussion of the midriff. Maybe if we all wear pants like Ed Grimley they’ll be nothing to discuss anyway.

Posted by: Chip at 12:01 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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