We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” couldn’t help but notice that our friends on the academic Left are always nattering about some sort of supposed injustice. When these hypocritical pseudo-gadflies are not grousing about their Axis of Evil (the United States and Israel), they are busy signing petitions that condemn purported injustices in strong language.

Naturally, our tenured radicals are not bothered by, say, ChinaÂ’s occupation of Tibet or SyriaÂ’s occupation of Lebanon; nor do they shed tears over the plight of women in countries such as Saudi Arabia.

Yet we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have noted another trend amongst our friends on the academic Left: They are ineluctably unconcerned about any brand of injustice to which they contribute, or which affects them in any way. They have no problem nattering on about the evils of “Zionist imperialism,” but issues that hit closer to home don’t appear to be in their collective radar screens.

In order to help sort out the confused politics of such tenured radicals, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly offer an official manifesto, which any academic leftist can sign. We call it:

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Academics Against Remote Oppression that in No Way Affects Them Manifesto (THMQOAAROTINWATM):

We, the undersigned, are deeply troubled by manifold injustices: Capitalism, democracy, &c. Yet we wish to announce that we are untroubled by various issues that would normally trouble such beacons of “social justice” as ourselves.

We hereby declare that the following things do not in any way bother us:

1. The fact that numerous professors at our universities are offered starvation wages and no health-care. As long as they teach the classes we donÂ’t want to bother with, thatÂ’s fine by us.
2. The fact that our graduate students live in abject poverty. As long as they teach the classes we donÂ’t want to bother with, thatÂ’s fine by us.
3. The fact that our parking spots are far, far better than those held by lowly service employees. Sure, we’re Marxists and all, but we don’t want to take this “fairness” stuff too far.
4. The fact that some students want a balanced liberal arts education, instead of four years of left-wing agitprop.

If our friends on the academic Left would simply sign this humble manifesto, we could claim that they promote truth in advertising. We wonÂ’t hold our breath.

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Recently, a correspondent from our Chapel Hill (NC) office relayed a quizzical message to us. This announcement (a version of which is available here) is so bizarre that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” felt compelled to offer it to our readers in full.

It comes from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and reads as follows:

The Lesbian Resource Center, The Women's Center, and The Carolina Women's
Center proudly present:

Love Your Body: An Intimate Celebration
Breastcasting Event
October 23, 12-5 P.M.
At The Women's Center
210 Henderson Street in Chapel Hill

"What is a 'breast casting'?" you ask.
A breast casting is a three-dimensional work of art made by skillfully
applying plaster of Paris to a woman's naked torso.

"Why would I want that done?" you wonder.
It's a woman-positive experience that celebrates the diversity of the
female form. It promotes awareness about breast health and it makes an
outstanding addition to your home decor!

Suggested donation $25, minimum donation $10.
Pre-registration encouraged.

All women are welcome and encouraged to join us.

Spaces are limited. For more information or to register, call [919] 968-4610.

Oh, dear. There are so many points that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” want to make that we don’t know where to begin. First, we suppose we should mention that the University of North Carolina—like many state schools—is ineluctably strapped for cash. May we humbly suggest that “breastcasting” events are not worth tax-payers' money?

Second, we couldn’t help but notice that the rhetorical questions the advertisement offers—“What is 'breastcasting'?” and “Why would I want that done?”—were eminently reasonable queries. We found the answers a little less inspired.

We would love it if a representative from the Lesbian Resource Center, the Women’s Center, and the highly-redundant Carolina Women’s Center could explain exactly how “breastcasting” amounts to “a woman-positive experience that celebrates the diversity of the female form.” Need we be so gauche as to ask how pornography does not also “celebrate the diversity of the female form”?

In addition, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are not experts in interior design. Still, we have a very difficult time believing that anyone with any aesthetic sense would conclude that a plaster of Paris cast of one’s breasts qualifies as “an outstanding addition” to one’s home décor. We feel as if it offers the same patina of cosmopolitanism as, say, a velvet Elvis painting, or a picture of dogs playing poker.

We also wondered how plaster of Paris casts of womenÂ’s breasts amount to the promotion of awareness of breast health. CouldnÂ’t one argue that, say, Playboy magazine, by virtue of offering its readers countless examples of naked female torsos, is a prime mover and shaker (if you will) in this regard?

If we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were a tad more skeptical, we’d conclude that this whole “breastcasting” nonsense is merely an excuse for some lesbian college students to check out one another’s upper halves.

Perhaps most importantly, the roughly 47 percent of the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” that is male was deeply dismayed to find that it has been left out of this empowering celebration of the female form. If we, the male members of the crack young staff, are known for anything, it’s surely the celebration of the “diversity of the female form.” Why keep a “diversity” of viewers from enjoying these women-friendly festivities?

If the various women’s juggernauts (pun intended) at the University of North Carolina believe that expending funds on such ridiculous programming is vital, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” think they’re a bunch of boobs.

Still, if we could get tickets to the eventÂ…

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