As you may well know, dear reader, lots of things happen in this world of ours. Muslim riots; Muslim honor killings; Muslim terrorist acts—as we said, lots of stuff occurs, for which, we hardly need add, each of the earth’s cultures is equally responsible.

Sure, our Islamist friends may want to bomb us all back to their private Stone Age, but we produced Cher. Even Steven, we think.

What’s far more important, anyway, is one’s reaction to events. Sure, sure: Unexpected occurrences take place all the time—but how does one take in these quotidian twists and turns?

From our careful inspection of sundry left-wing magazines and “websites,” we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have deduced that our radical pals have a strikingly consistent stance on almost any happenstance. All, it seems, fits into their preconceived ideological framework. And this framework is so confining (much like Al Gore’s famed “lock-box”) that one can easily anticipate lefty responses to virtually anything.

For this reason, dear reader, we have thought of a brand new product. Yep: We’re always thinking of handy-dandy items—it’s one of the things you like best about us, if we must say so ourselves.

This time, however, we’ve come up with a real doozy: The Fail-Safe Left-Wing Reaction Form. It allows the fervent leftist the opportunity to offer his “thoughts” on any occurrence with even less contemplation than he usually musters.

Hard to imagine, you say? Well, itÂ’s completely true. Our Fail-Safe Left-Wing Reaction Form incites less earnest reflection than an issue of The Nation. ItÂ’s even more knee-jerk than a copy of Mother Jones. Maureen Dowd makes you think far more deeply than our Fail-Safe Left-Wing Reaction Form.

To prove our point, weÂ’ve affixed our Form below:

The Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Fail-Safe Left-Wing Reaction Form:

It is no accident that ___________ just happened. Naturally, like everything else, ________ is completely the fault of George W. Bush, the United States of America, and Israel.

We mean, come on: ItÂ’s so obvious. The CIA and the Mossad clearly had it in for _______. ________ could have been avoided, but those small-minded neocons simply had to cause trouble.

Hopefully, by impeaching President Bush, destroying Israel, and supporting the peaceable folks in Hamas, ________ will never happen again.

Now, all our angry lefty friend must do is fill in the blanks with the happenstance in question. And presto! A completely thought-free left-wing reaction!

HereÂ’s a sample:

It is no accident that an attack on the folk singer Jewel just happened. Naturally, like everything else, an attack on the folk singer Jewel is completely the fault of George W. Bush, the United States of America, and Israel.

We mean, come on: ItÂ’s so obvious. The CIA and the Mossad clearly had it in for the folk singer Jewel. An attack on the folk singer Jewel could have been avoided, but those small-minded neocons simply had to cause trouble.

Hopefully, by impeaching President Bush, destroying Israel, and supporting the peaceable folks in Hamas, an attack on the folk singer Jewel will never happen again.

ItÂ’s perfect! Just think of how much time our invention will save! Our lefty buddies will be happy: Even less time cogitating and more moments of bliss at the local Volvo dealership.

Posted by: Chip at 12:01 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 554 words, total size 4 kb.

Turn to any left-leaning “website”—whether it be a fancy mainstream media outlet or a caustic “weblog”—and you’re likely to come upon some opinion piece or other blaming the United States for all sorts of evils. You name it, it’s our fault: Global warming; Hamas’ coup in Gaza; Osama bin Laden; Vladimir Putin’s truculence. Everything, it seems, is laid at the doorstep of the good ole’ US of A. Well, everything except Loverboy.

In fact, we have the sneaking suspicion that many lefty editorialists write their myriad screeds through the use of what can only be called Liberal Mad-Libs. And what, you may ask, are Liberal Mad-Libs? Well, they’re just like regular Mad-Libs, except they contain discussion of current events, and those filling them out are only allowed to use a few words: “Zionism”; “imperialism”; “Halliburton”; “Bush”; “poodle”; &c.

Quite frankly, dear reader, we find this whole “Blame America” infatuation extremely tiresome. Not, we hasten to add, because the United States is ineluctably a shining beacon of altruism.

Rather, we’re sick of the whole darned-if-you-do-darned-if-you-don’t character to this thoughtless “Blame the US” palaver. If we trade with Cuba, we’re shifty capitalists aiming at economic subjugation. If we don’t trade with Cuba, we’re shifty capitalists aiming at economic subjugation.

Anti-Americanism, in fact, has become the false panacea for what ails the world. It wonÂ’t really cure anybody, of course, but it does allow for fleeting moments of righteousness.

And we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are officially sick of it. It’s high time to treat the rest of the world as new visitors to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting: The first step is to admit that you have a problem (rather than foisting all the blame on the United States).

Naturally, in this Age of Victimology, taking responsibility for oneÂ’s actions is about as hip as a Roxette concert. (Wow: Dig that lame reference.) Accordingly, we donÂ’t exactly have high hopes that, say, the Saudis will admit their government is run by evil kleptomaniacs who use Islamist ideology as a tool to break the backs of their people. Nor are we holding our breath for the Palestinian realization that their intransigence and death-cult fanaticism lie at the root of their problems.

Okay, world: YouÂ’re going to have to blame someone else. We get it. YouÂ’re just not strong enough to accept any responsibility.

Still, for one day—one measly day—could you stop using America as your whipping boy? And could you lay off Israel too? It’s the fricken’ size of New Hampshire, for crying out loud—is it really sane to blame all Muslim pathologies on its mere existence?

DonÂ’t worry: Even though you wonÂ’t have recourse to castigating the Big and Little Satan for 24 hours, youÂ’ll still be able to deflect any criticism and avoid all introspection. ThatÂ’s because we ask you to blame New Zealand instead. Just for a day. Whatever theyÂ’ve done or havenÂ’t done in the past, weÂ’re pretty sure itÂ’s worth a dayÂ’s worth of opprobrium.

Posted by: Chip at 12:01 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 506 words, total size 3 kb.