Greetings, loyal readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader sitting in the HMQ war room in front of "the big board." The one just like the one in Dr. Strangelove. As cool as these digs are one would wonder why the Crack Young Staff would ever want to take a day off - much less take off a whole week. What is the draw of the beach over a big board?

Frequent readers of your Maximum Leader's regular web site, Naked Villainy, know that he has an affinity towards the pig. After the dog the pig is God's most perfect domesticated animal. Your Maximum Leader has said it before and he'll say it again, pigs are great. This is because the pig is just so useful. They eat anything. They are smart. They can be made into bacon, sausage, ham, pork chops, pork ribs, pork roast, pickled pigs feet, sweetbreads, leather, and candles. The pig is just the most handy thing around.

Your Maximum Leader loves, as you can no doubt tell, his pork. So imagine his dismay when he read today on the news wires that "processed meats" like "bacon, sausage, and smoked ham" can increase one's chances of contracting stomach cancer. It appears as though some crazy Swedes say that a daily increase of 1 ounce of processed meats in one's diet can increase chances of contracting stomach cancer between 15 and 38 percent.

These Swedes claim their study results are "unequivocal."

Hah! Pshaw! Nonsense! First off... What is the regular daily portion we're talking about here? 1 ounce? 6 ounces? 1 pound? Who is rating this? The USDA? Are we using the old recommended daily allowance? The new food pyramid? Are these processed meats processed in Sweden? Or are they processed in the US? How do we know that the Swedes have the same type of digestive tract as Americans? Is socialized medicine responsible?

Ah! Now your Maximum Leader is on to something... Socialized medicine must be to blame. Since everyone shares the cost of health care in Sweden there must be some sort of social imperative to keep people from eating anything that might vaguely be fun or tasty. We all know fun and tasty foods can't be good for you. And if you are paying for Olaf down the street's health care you want to avoid that triple bypass or stomach cancer treatment...

It must be a conspiracy. A damnable socialist conspiracy.

Your Maximum Leader thinks he's going to have to fund a study on how processed meats improve the quality of life for non-Swedes...

Carry on.

Posted by: Maximum Leader at 12:51 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Greetings, readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader here in the fashionably appointed offices of the Crack Young Staff. This is day three of your Maximum Leader's week-long stint in the best guest blogger job in the whole length and breadth of Al Gore's Internets. He hopes that the Crack Young Staff has been wearing sunscreen, and keeping the windows cracked open on their Honda Civics. (It's been hot.)

No doubt by now you've heard of the worsening health of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Apparently the murderous Communist oppressor has been suffering from a bout of gastrointestinal bleeding. Bleeding so severe that Fidel had to give up de jure (if not de facto) power in Cuba to his brother Raul so that he might undergo corrective surgery.

Far be it for your Maximum Leader to wish ill upon anyone. But he'll make exceptions for a few people in the world. Fidel Castro is among those he'll wish ill upon. One has to wonder if the gastrointestinal bleeding might be a result of severe ulcers; the cause of which might be years of guilt over the suffering he's caused his people. Then again... They might not be.

In light of Fidel Castro's condition, your Maximum Leader will preview death statements prepared for the day when Castro slips from this mortal coil:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez - "The people of Cuba have lost a great leader. I have lost a great friend. The United States has lost an implacable enemy. The world has lost a remarkably snappy dresser."

Anti-war activist and suck-up to South American dictators Cindy Sheehan - "Fidel Castro was my lover. He was a tender lover. He said that one day he would leave Cuba and join me in Texas so we could continue my protests against the most evil man in the world, George W. Bush. I miss him so much..."

Former American President James Earl Carter - "I've not always seen eye-to-eye with President Castro. While I was President I had to uphold the US embargo of Cuba, even though I saw the suffering it caused the Cuban people. I was a little put out when Fidel emptied his prisons and sent all those people to Miami, but I understood that he was only reacting to an overbearing and unjust foreign policy maintained by the United States. By the way... Have you seen my Nobel Peace Prize?"

Actor and Friend of Cuba, Danny Glover - "I am deeply saddened by the loss of Fidel Castro. Castro was a friend to me, and many of my enlightened Hollywood friends. Fidel, and he was Fidel to me, frequently had me and Harry Belafonte down to his palace outside Havana. We'd go on all weekend drinking binges to celebrate universal health care and universal pre-school for all Cubans. Good times... Yes... Good times... I'll miss Fidel greatly."

Singer and Activist, Harry Belefonte - "The loss of Fidel Castro is a loss for the oppressed people of the world. Cuba is a model for the world. I wish that the United States was more like Cuba. There is no racism in Cuba, everyone is free and equal. The people of Cuba have Fidel Castro to thank for that."

New Cuban President, Raul Castro - "What the hell? Fidel is dead? Holy crap! I've gotta get the heck outta here! Sweet Jeebus! Where did Fidel put that bank account info? Damn! Where is Hugo's cell phone number? Venezulea, that's the ticket! Damn! Is my jet fueled? I've gotta get outta here before anyone here figures out what's happened. Why did Fidel have to go first? Why oh why? I'm screwed! Royally screwed! My life sucks! Curse you Fidel! Why did you leave me like this? Some brother you were Fidel... Mama told me you were going to leave me like this... Gotta get outta here..."

There you have it dear readers, a preview of what your Maximum Leader thinks you'll see any day now.

Carry on.

Posted by: Maximum Leader at 12:51 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Greetings, readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader here at the anchor desk while the Crack Young Staff continues to lounge by the pool, sip drinks out of glasses with tiny umbrellas, and polish of Harlequin romance novels at the rate of two a day.

Surely by this time, dear reader, you've heard that one big-time Hollywood star has had a little bit of a run-in with "Johnny Law." And by "Johnny Law" your Maximum Leader really means the Los Angeles SherriffÂ’s Department, the Anti-Defamation League, the Simon Wiesenthal Center, and Nora Ephron. Yes, Hollywood star and self-proclaimed "owner" of Malibu, Mel Gibson was arrested last Friday night for driving his Lexus LS430 a good 42 mph over the posted speed limit.

Oh yes... Did we mention that Gibson was also battling his personal demons? It seems GibsonÂ’s demons dwell in a bottle labeled Chivas Regal.

Anyhoo...

In light of the goings-on concerning Mr. Gibson, your Maximum Leader presents for you a fanÂ’s abridged guide to the films of Mel Gibson.

Mad Max – In a post-apocalyptic world run by Jews, roving bands of motorized criminals terrorize the innocent. Max, a gentile highway patrolman before the apocalypse, sees his family killed by criminals and vows to get his revenge; and stop the Jews from ruining the already ruined world.

The Road Warrior – Gibson reprises his role of gentile-turned free-lance kicker of arse, Max. Max faces off against a marauding horde of circumcised dune-buggy driving criminals. Max attacks the marauding horde which gives a group of gentiles time to escape from their Jew-threatened compound.

Lethal Weapon – The original cop buddy movie. Gibson plays the slightly insane Detective Riggs who must break up an international drug smuggling ring. Riggs partners with African-American Detective Murtaugh to defeat the drug cartel which is beholden to the international conspiracy of illuminati and jews.

The Patriot – Gibson plays a reluctant American revolutionary who must fight to drive the jew-loving English out of the New World. The American revolutionaries fight to create a new nation, conceived in liberty; and free of the jewish yoke.

Braveheart – Gibson plays William Wallace, the gentile leader of the Scots in their crusade against the jew-loving English. The Scots fight to free their nation from the jewish yoke.

Your Maximum Leader hopes that this brief guide to the films of Mel Gibson helps you on your next trip to the video store.

Carry on.

Posted by: Maximum Leader at 12:51 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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