First the Internet! Now Television!

First the Internet! Now Television!

Greetings, loyal readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader of Naked Villainy here for another installment of his term as "guest blogger" at HMQ. Remember, he's here all week. Be sure to tip your servers. And try the veal!

Your Maximum Leader is standing slackjawed.

His mouth is agape as he types these words.

Al Gore is a genius. A complete, creative-beyond-words, and total genius. First he goes and invents the internet. Then he goes and reinvents the office of Vice President of the United States. Then he popularized some Floridian fellow named Chad.

And now he is revolutionizing cable television.

Surely you've heard by now? Al Gore's new television station has debuted. The Current Channel.

Now your Maximum Leader has not yet had the pleasure of viewing Mr. Gore's television station. It does not appear to have been "picked up" yet by his various communications providers. But oh how he does anticipate the moment when he too can can watch a "pod" or two of programming on The Current Channel.

What is a "pod" of programming you ask? Well, leave it to Mr. Gore's creative talents to use the name of a group dolphins to define the 2-7 minute long pieces broadcast on The Current Channel. Get it? A pod of dolphins = a pod of programs. How could we have missed the connection?

What? You missed the connection? Well you see a pod of dolphins are a group of marine mammals of the same species. But don't be mistaken; while they are all of the same species they are each their own unique individuals as well. Just like pods of programs on The Current Channel. They are all short videotaped pieces to be broadcast over cable, but each one is on a different subject. Do you see now?

No? Well... Al Gore is such a visionary it must be quite original. The whole idea must be so avant garde that we normal people find it hard to wrap our conventional minds around the concept.

Really now think of it. Who'd have thought of a whole television channel that would broadcast all of it's programming in 2-7 minute stretches? It is almost like Al Gore has reinvented... Oh... Your Maximum Leader doesn't know...

Aha! Al Gore has reinvented MTV.

Only without the music and the hot chicks.

Genius. Complete genius.

Carry on.

Posted by: Chip at 08:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Water Myths Greetings, loyal readers

Water Myths

Greetings, loyal readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. Your Maximum Leader of Naked Villainy is here for day two of the best "guest weblogger" gig on the whole Albert Gore invented internet.

Today, your Maximum Leader chanced upon an interesting headline on the news wire. The headline was "'Myth' that forests improve water flow." Your Maximum Leader was duly intrigued and clicked through and read the article.

It appears, although we are no expert in such things, as though a myth has been promulgated by various environmental groups around the world. The myth is (was?) that planting trees would improve water flow and prevent erosion.

According to a study recently released in Oslo, Norway (which your Maximum Leader is lead to believe is a heavily forested country) trees may actually impair water flow. Many trees, it seems, like water. While they may in fact prevent erosion, the trees drink lots of water.

If one lives in a nation that (presumably) has no shortage of potable water (like Norway) trees wouldn't be a problem for you. But if, on the other hand, you live in a dry country (like Mexico) planting trees would be a very bad move. In dry nations planting trees can actually make droughts worse and sap up drinkable water supplies.

Just two months ago you may remember that another study disputed the widely held view (myth if you will) that the Amazon jungle is the "lungs" of the Earth.

What wonders are given to us by science? Now we know that trees drink too much water and don't produce enough oxygen for the world.

Where do these revelations leave us?

Should we ignore the Lorax?

Is it no longer safe to hug a tree?

Your Maximum Leader is rapidly coming to the conclusion that trees are part of the problem. What precisely "the problem" IS can be a tricky question. But if oxygen and clean water are part of the solution; trees are the enemy. Perhaps as the US and other nations urge revisions to the Kyoto Protocols we should urge the United Nations to set up a commission to study the problem of trees.

In the meanwhile if you are unsettled by the thought of killer trees drinking your water and slowly suffocating you, know that you can get away from it all. Take a wonderful vacation with your friends at the Sierra Club. They will allay your fears about trees and make you a better person through increasing your awareness and understanding of the planet around you. Check out their great Donner Pass vacation package. (Cannibalism extra.)

Carry on.

Posted by: Chip at 08:05 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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An Open Letter... Greetings, loyal

An Open Letter...

Greetings, loyal readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader from Naked Villainy here filling in as a "guest weblogger" at the kind invitation of the Crack Young Staff.

Whilst your Maximum Leader is queuing up other topics upon which to opine, he felt the need to share with all of you this open letter to the manager of the Wal-Mart "Supercenter" near the Villainschloss...

General Manager
Wal-Mart Supercenter #1833
Fredericksburg VA 22401

Dear Sir:

Your Maximum Leader from time to time finds it necessary to shop at the Wal-Mart "Supercenter" on Carl D. Silver Parkway in Fredericksburg VA. He says necessary because, quite honestly, he prefers to do what little shopping he does do at other establishments. This is not to say that he does not appreciate the Wal-Mart Corporation. The ability to provide quality items at inexpensive prices to the teeming masses is a praiseworthy one. Indeed your Maximum Leader, unlike many "community activists" in less well-to-do areas, lauds the Wal-Mart Corporation for all it does for "the people."

It is "the people" whom your Corporation serves so well that are the subject of this epistle.

Last night your Maximum Leader had to go out rather late at night to get some vital supplies for his lovely wife, Mrs. Villain. These supplies could not wait until the morrow for their procurement; because Mrs. Villain and your Maximum Leader's Villainous Offspring were departing early the next day for a lengthy stay at "the beach." So, your Maximum Leader headed out to your Wal-Mart "Supercenter" as it was the one place at which he knew all the required supplies could be purchased.

He arrived near 11pm at the store and was shocked (shocked!) at the number of people who chose to do their "shopping" at such a late hour (and on the Sabbath no less). They were the very epitome of that which the ancient Greeks described with the word "demokratia." While we today may know this word as democracy, it was originally meant in a pejorative way. It roughly translated as "rule by the mob."

Yes these people where not the model citizens envisioned by Plato or Aristotle. And while your Maximum Leader is not trying to suggest that you should limit your clientele to just those who would fit an Aristotelian definition of belonging to the "demos," he does wish that you would at least see to it that they were suitably attired.

Now, your Maximum Leader has a number of fine tailors whom he has had thoroughly vetted and to whom he has given his warrant. When he is in need of clothing, he will visit one of these fine merchants and procure a suit or casual clothes. Upon obtaining these vestments he takes them to a delightful middle-aged Greek woman - Mrs. Moti - who tailors them to his exacting preferences. Indeed if you, dear sir, knew the pleasures of listening to Mr. Moti read Homer in Greek to you while Mrs. Moti chalks and pins your suit-jacket for alteration you would never buy off-the-rack again.

But your Maximum Leader digresses...

He was rather shocked at a female patron of your store and her family. Your Maximum Leader is sure that if you review the security camera tapes from last night you will notice her. She is the one who stood approximately 5 feet 5 inches tall, weighed approximately 210 pounds, had her hair (poorly) dyed a shade of red, and was orbited by 3 generously proportioned youths. (These children your Maximum Leader took to be hers.)

What was most shocking about her (aside from her atrocious butchering of the Queen's English when she spoke - but that is no fault of yours) was her attire. Again, if you review the security camera tapes you will see she was wearing some sort of pants made of a material with which your Maximum Leader is unfamiliar but he has heard called "lycra." Over her torso she appeared to be wearing a (several sizes too small) menÂ’s "tank top" undershirt that could not contain her ample bosoms. Her bosoms did in fact slide out from either side of the undershirt as she perambulated down the aisles.

It is this sort of visual affront which your Maximum Leader would like to spare himself. While he would not go so far as to say that Wal-Mart should change their marketing strategy and become a more elite retailer; he would suggest that you institute some basic rules of decorum in your stores.

Indeed, should a patron enter your store without meeting your basic dress code you could surely usher them to the "clothing" department and suit them up quickly. Think of it as a self-improvement marketing plan for customers.

Yours cordially,

Your Maximum Leader

Carry on.

Posted by: Chip at 08:27 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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