September 02, 2004
The Gray Honda Civic Every
Every citizen of these here United States of America knows that people are always carping about Starbucks. That horrid coffee shop is everywhere, folks say, clutching mocha lattes.
And, to be sure, if you want a $40 mug of what Robin Williams refers to as a Betty Ford speedball, you can find one at a Starbucks on virtually every corner in America. Soon theyÂ’ll start opening branches of the chain in peopleÂ’s houses. TheyÂ’re like post-industrial barnacle.
But we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t want to waste today’s edition of our humble “weblog” nattering on about Starbucks; that’s about as original as singing “Happy Birthday.” Or owning a copy of “The Da Vinci Code.”
Rather, dear reader, we hope to discuss another omnipresent phenomenon in contemporary America: The gray Honda Civic.
A few members of our crack young staff own this vehicle, as they weren’t suitably high up in the editorial chain of command here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” to land free Saturns (the cars, not the planet). As a result, these few staff members—let’s just call them “Chip”—endure days fraught with difficulty due to these plastic monstrosities.
What, you may be asking yourself, is wrong with the gray Honda Civic? Well, for starters, theyÂ’re pretty much the vehicular equivalent of Starbucks: Everybody owns one. Consequently, looking for your car in a largish parking lot can be a veritable hell on a veritable earth. Purchasing this stupid car is about as imaginative as, well, something really unimaginative.
In addition, the gray Honda Civic—much like its brethren in other colors, we’d wager—has an engine with about 20 pig power. You can go zero to 60 in an hour and a half.
Naturally, the owner of the gray Honda Civic will want to spruce up his car, to make sure that it isnÂ’t the exact replica of everyone elseÂ’s on the block. But what can one do? Perhaps put a Howard Dean bumper sticker on it? Everyone is scraping their copies off by now.
Or how about, in an homage to our British friends, referring to it as a “grey” Honda Civic? That way, not only will your car suck, it’ll have a bad dental plan, too.
The Gray Honda Civic
Every citizen of these here United States of America knows that people are always carping about Starbucks. That horrid coffee shop is everywhere, folks say, clutching mocha lattes.
And, to be sure, if you want a $40 mug of what Robin Williams refers to as a Betty Ford speedball, you can find one at a Starbucks on virtually every corner in America. Soon theyÂ’ll start opening branches of the chain in peopleÂ’s houses. TheyÂ’re like post-industrial barnacle.
But we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t want to waste today’s edition of our humble “weblog” nattering on about Starbucks; that’s about as original as singing “Happy Birthday.” Or owning a copy of “The Da Vinci Code.”
Rather, dear reader, we hope to discuss another omnipresent phenomenon in contemporary America: The gray Honda Civic.
A few members of our crack young staff own this vehicle, as they weren’t suitably high up in the editorial chain of command here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” to land free Saturns (the cars, not the planet). As a result, these few staff members—let’s just call them “Chip”—endure days fraught with difficulty due to these plastic monstrosities.
What, you may be asking yourself, is wrong with the gray Honda Civic? Well, for starters, theyÂ’re pretty much the vehicular equivalent of Starbucks: Everybody owns one. Consequently, looking for your car in a largish parking lot can be a veritable hell on a veritable earth. Purchasing this stupid car is about as imaginative as, well, something really unimaginative.
In addition, the gray Honda Civic—much like its brethren in other colors, we’d wager—has an engine with about 20 pig power. You can go zero to 60 in an hour and a half.
Naturally, the owner of the gray Honda Civic will want to spruce up his car, to make sure that it isnÂ’t the exact replica of everyone elseÂ’s on the block. But what can one do? Perhaps put a Howard Dean bumper sticker on it? Everyone is scraping their copies off by now.
Or how about, in an homage to our British friends, referring to it as a “grey” Honda Civic? That way, not only will your car suck, it’ll have a bad dental plan, too.
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September 01, 2004
Idle Titles As careful observers
As careful observers of the intellectual culture wars are no doubt aware, fancy postmodern professors absolutely detest it when journalists advertise the names of academic papers and articles, in order to prove to readers that the groves of academe are home to some pretty strange characters. Readers may remember, for example, a paper delivered at the Modern Language Association called “Jane Austen and the Masturbating Girl.”
Well, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t enjoy anything as much as irking academic radicals. And we mean anything. Even the joys of windsurfing pale in comparison to enraging lefter-than-thou professors.
Accordingly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quartelry,” have decided to devote today’s edition of our humble “weblog” to a thorough trouncing of some titles culled from a periodical produced by tenured radicals. To make matters more trying for our friends on the academic Left, we have eschewed reading these articles, and are content to make fun of the titles alone.
(Well, to be honest, we tried to read one of the pieces, and found it so reader-proof that we gave up on it mighty quickly.)
So, you may be asking yourself, which venerable journal has the crack young staff chosen as its whipping boy? Why, we’re mighty glad you asked. All of the titles that we shall excoriate today come from Volume 14, Issue 3 of “Feminist Teacher.” Yes, “Feminist Teacher”: It’s kind of like The New Republic, only it’s boring and nobody reads it. Oh yeah: And it’s chock-a-block with radical feminist palaver.
Without further ado, then, we proudly present:
“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Ridiculing of Dunderheaded Titles to Putrid Academic Articles:
1. “White Girl Watching: Reading Eye to Eye” by Gail B. Griffin
Hmmm. White Girl Watching? The male members of the crack young staff have been spending much of their time “white girl watching,” but they never figured it was a worthy topic of scholarly lucubrations. It is comforting to see, however, that Ms. Griffin realizes that reading is done “eye to eye,” as opposed to, say, “ear to ear,” or “fist to rectum.” Thanks for the info.
2. “Teaching about Interlocking Opressions: The Case of HIV and Women” by Donna A. Champeau and Susan M. Shaw
As if it isnÂ’t oppressive enough to have HIV, one can also be additionally burdened by oneÂ’s status as a female. Life is tough. Perhaps Ms. Champeau and Ms. Shaw could dilate on the oppression one must endure as a tenured female writing horrendous articles in sub-par journals. We bet theyÂ’d have a lot to say about that.
3. “Identities of Race, Class, and Gender Inside and Outside the Math Classroom: A Girls’ Math Club as Hybrid Possibility” by Stephanie Jones
We know what you are thinking, dear reader: “Hybrid possibility”? Come on, Ms. Jones. May we suggest an alternate title? How about “Girls Can also Be Math Nerds”? Or “Loser, Thy Name is Woman”?
4. “Marketing and Teaching a Woman’s Literature Course to Culturally Conservative Students” by Karen Dodwell
Is it just us, or is it crystal clear that this article pertains to the difficulty inherent in proselytizing to students who are less likely to enjoy radical feminist boilerplate? Perhaps Ms. Dodwell (a fitting name, if ever there was one) could simply teach the works of female authors without all the Judith Butler fireworks. But we wouldnÂ’t want to stop her from misusing her academic post as a feminist bully pulpit.
5. “Feminist and Queer Values in the Southern Conservative Christian Classroom: The Case of Jane Austen’s Emma” by Mark K. Fulk
We don’t mean to upset the editors at “Feminist Teacher,” but we have a hunch that Mr. Fulk has written the exact same article as Ms. Dodwell. In addition, how did this evil oppressor (read: male) get to write for the storied “Feminist Teacher”? We’ll have to write the editors and complain vociferously.
Well, dear reader, there you have it. Academia supplies the ridiculous titles and we supply the ridicule.
Idle Titles
As careful observers of the intellectual culture wars are no doubt aware, fancy postmodern professors absolutely detest it when journalists advertise the names of academic papers and articles, in order to prove to readers that the groves of academe are home to some pretty strange characters. Readers may remember, for example, a paper delivered at the Modern Language Association called “Jane Austen and the Masturbating Girl.”
Well, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t enjoy anything as much as irking academic radicals. And we mean anything. Even the joys of windsurfing pale in comparison to enraging lefter-than-thou professors.
Accordingly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quartelry,” have decided to devote today’s edition of our humble “weblog” to a thorough trouncing of some titles culled from a periodical produced by tenured radicals. To make matters more trying for our friends on the academic Left, we have eschewed reading these articles, and are content to make fun of the titles alone.
(Well, to be honest, we tried to read one of the pieces, and found it so reader-proof that we gave up on it mighty quickly.)
So, you may be asking yourself, which venerable journal has the crack young staff chosen as its whipping boy? Why, we’re mighty glad you asked. All of the titles that we shall excoriate today come from Volume 14, Issue 3 of “Feminist Teacher.” Yes, “Feminist Teacher”: It’s kind of like The New Republic, only it’s boring and nobody reads it. Oh yeah: And it’s chock-a-block with radical feminist palaver.
Without further ado, then, we proudly present:
“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Ridiculing of Dunderheaded Titles to Putrid Academic Articles:
1. “White Girl Watching: Reading Eye to Eye” by Gail B. Griffin
Hmmm. White Girl Watching? The male members of the crack young staff have been spending much of their time “white girl watching,” but they never figured it was a worthy topic of scholarly lucubrations. It is comforting to see, however, that Ms. Griffin realizes that reading is done “eye to eye,” as opposed to, say, “ear to ear,” or “fist to rectum.” Thanks for the info.
2. “Teaching about Interlocking Opressions: The Case of HIV and Women” by Donna A. Champeau and Susan M. Shaw
As if it isnÂ’t oppressive enough to have HIV, one can also be additionally burdened by oneÂ’s status as a female. Life is tough. Perhaps Ms. Champeau and Ms. Shaw could dilate on the oppression one must endure as a tenured female writing horrendous articles in sub-par journals. We bet theyÂ’d have a lot to say about that.
3. “Identities of Race, Class, and Gender Inside and Outside the Math Classroom: A Girls’ Math Club as Hybrid Possibility” by Stephanie Jones
We know what you are thinking, dear reader: “Hybrid possibility”? Come on, Ms. Jones. May we suggest an alternate title? How about “Girls Can also Be Math Nerds”? Or “Loser, Thy Name is Woman”?
4. “Marketing and Teaching a Woman’s Literature Course to Culturally Conservative Students” by Karen Dodwell
Is it just us, or is it crystal clear that this article pertains to the difficulty inherent in proselytizing to students who are less likely to enjoy radical feminist boilerplate? Perhaps Ms. Dodwell (a fitting name, if ever there was one) could simply teach the works of female authors without all the Judith Butler fireworks. But we wouldnÂ’t want to stop her from misusing her academic post as a feminist bully pulpit.
5. “Feminist and Queer Values in the Southern Conservative Christian Classroom: The Case of Jane Austen’s Emma” by Mark K. Fulk
We don’t mean to upset the editors at “Feminist Teacher,” but we have a hunch that Mr. Fulk has written the exact same article as Ms. Dodwell. In addition, how did this evil oppressor (read: male) get to write for the storied “Feminist Teacher”? We’ll have to write the editors and complain vociferously.
Well, dear reader, there you have it. Academia supplies the ridiculous titles and we supply the ridicule.
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